Parents 2 Parents

As a parent you have many important things to teach your children when they’re young. They need to learn how to hold a fork, put on their jacket, and brush their teeth, but they also need to learn how to understand their feelings and emotions and how to talk about them. By age 2, most children are able to broadly interpret the feelings of others and respond to these feelings appropriately, but a child’s ability to deal effectively with his or her own emotions is dependent on what they have learned from the adults in their life. In other words, a child will be as expressive as his or her parents.

Through modeling, all adults in a child’s life are giving them information about the nature of emotions, how to express them, and how to cope with their own emotions and those of others. Without even trying, caregivers are continuously teaching children which emotions are acceptable, which are appropriate for specific situations, and the behavior associated with them. What children are learning about their emotions is important because according to Dr. John Gottman, kids who can accept and share their emotions:

• form stronger friendships
• achieve more in school
• bounce back from emotional crises more quickly, and
• are physically healthier.

What are you feeling?

Dr. Gottman suggests that parents can help their children better understand and share their emotions by being their “Emotion Coaches.” Emotion Coaches, much like athletic coaches, teach children the strategies for dealing with life’s ups and downs without objecting or ignoring their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. There are 5 steps to being an “Emotion Coach” for your child:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotion.
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically and validate your child’s feelings.
4. Help the child verbally label emotions.
5. Set limits while helping your child problem-solve.

For example: if you’re on an airplane and your child begins to throw a fit about wanting a stuffed animal that you packed in your checked luggage instead of your carry-on and trying to explain to your child that you can’t get that particular toy for them at the moment doesn’t seem to be working to calm them down you can take this opportunity to be their “Emotion Coach.”

• Step 1: Recognize that your child is feeling some frustration and anger about the situation. Aren’t you the person who can always provide a snack or drink when you’re asked? Why can’t you give your child what he or she wants this time? This can be frustrating for a young child.
• Step 2: Acknowledge that this is a situation in which your child needs some attention from you in order to understand his or her feelings and to regain his or her composure.
• Steps 3 & 4: Say to your child “I’m sorry sweetie, I can see that you’re frustrated right now. I know that you’re tired and you’d like to have your special toy to snuggle with before you go to sleep and not having him is making you angry, and I know that being angry doesn’t feel good.” (Don’t be surprised if while you’re talking to your child, they visibly relax).
• Step 5: Say “It’s ok to be angry but it’s not ok to raise your voice and kick. Since you can’t have your toy would you like to hold my scarf (or something else) instead?”

It’s important to allow children to experience their emotions. While positive emotion should be encouraged and celebrated, children need to know that their negative emotions are valid and are worthy of notice and concern. Be open with your child about your own emotions by acknowledging them, labeling them and explaining why you feel that way. Respond to your child about his or her emotions in a consistent manner, and be dependable and responsive. This will help to teach your children that emotional experiences do not need to be overwhelming and can be controlled. Your child’s emotional moments may actually be the moments that they need you most—these are opportunities for teaching your child important life lessons and for building closer relationships with them.

Resources

Read these books with your child to help you talk about feelings. Books marked with (***) are available to borrow for free at the Wake County Public Libraries.

• The Way I Feel by Janan Cain***
• Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods that Make My Day by Jamie Lee Curtis***
• The Feelings Book by Todd Parr
• Lots of Feelings by Shelley Rotner***
• Feelings by Aliki***

Visit the FORUM to share your thoughts!

Finding a preschool program for your child can be really challenging! Most private programs, whether church-based or not, take a specific perspective on early childhood education and knowing something about each of these perspectives can help you begin your search. Click on each of the types below for more information.

-Montessori:

In this program:

• children are seen as independent learners and teachers act as facilitators
• materials in the classroom are to be used in a certain way
  • for example, in a classical Montessori program, a broomstick would only be used for sweeping a floor—it would not “become” an airplane during imaginary play
• much attention is paid to order in the classroom
• children learn to take care of their own needs—they often serve themselves snacks
• the materials dictate the exploration by the child

-High Scope:

In this program:

• emphasis is on classification, sorting, and the use of time and space
• skill building is a primary focus; social/emotional development is secondary
• children are not required to play in any particular way, but teachers follow the exploration of the children

-Reggio Emilia:

In this program:

• teachers observe, listen and talk with children about their interests—then help small groups of children plan their own projects
• aesthetics, sensory exploration and artistic development are emphasized
• emphasizes creative use of materials and lots of open-ended exploration
• children’s own interests dictate their exploration

-“Developmentally Appropriate” model:

From this perspective:

• the focus is on the individual needs of particular children based on different ages, skill levels, abilities, and cultural or socio-economic backgrounds
• elements of other preschool models may also be incorporated
• each child’s developmental needs dictate the experience

When deciding which of these models or perspectives to look into, keep in mind how your child works and learns. If they have a lot of initiative then they might do really well in a Montessori program. If they really enjoy free play and artistic activities then a Reggio Emilia program might be a great fit.

Once you know which types of programs you’re interested in and have found these programs in your area you should visit each one before you make a choice. The following is a list of questions to ask and things to look for when you visit each center.

The Director:

• what is his/her background and vision for the program?
• how did he/she get involved in early childhood education—what’s her motivation?
• what is the turnover of the staff—high turnover makes it hard to maintain a high quality program
  • people stay if they’re well compensated, treated with respect and given continuing education opportunities
• good directors are in the classroom, know their staff and know all the children

The Teachers

• a good teacher talks with the children a lot
• look for teacher-student ratios—the lower the better

The Physical Environment

• the classroom should be well organized with a variety of activities taking place in clearly defined areas
• materials should be accessible to children—building independence
• beware of electronic toys and too much computer time in the classroom
• children should have enough room to move freely through the classroom
• quality of materials (how new) is far less important than the quality of interaction between the children and between the children and the teachers

The Curriculum

• really obvious things like letter and number charts are a bad sign
• you want to see labels on classroom items and objects like “blocks” or “light switch”
• a good preschool expects children to learn through play
• ask to see a child assessment form used to gather data on a child—this will tell you what the child will learn at the preschool and how
  • you would expect to hear about how observation, checklists, and perhaps portfolios of the child’s work will be used in assessment

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Are the children safe, busy, and happy?
• Does the school have a lively, creative order to it?
• Are the rooms decorated with teacher art or children’s art?
• Do the teachers seem to like what they are doing?

Preschool is a huge investment, financially and in the future of your child so when you’re looking for a preschool program for your child make sure you see the right things and ask the right questions.

Do you have experience with any of these programs? Share your thoughts and your experiences on the FORUM!

At our last Parents 2 Parents meeting there was quite a bit of discussion concerning sleep. Several parents expressed frustration at the fact that their children don’t sleep through the night, many of them toddlers. One thing I heard from the discussion is that many families who are having trouble either getting their children to sleep or keeping them asleep don’t have a regular bedtime routine. Not every child will sleep through the night consistently—this may be part of the regularity aspect of their temperament–but these tips and tricks may help you to assure that both you and your child are getting enough sleep.

The Importance of Sleep

It is well known that sleep is important for brain growth and function, but emerging research shows that sleep is also vital for physical growth in toddlers and preschoolers. Two and three-year-olds need 12 to 14 hours of sleep every 24 hours (a combination of about 12 hours of sleep at night and 1.5 to 3 hours in a nap). In order to get an adequate amount of sleep, most children this age need to go to bed between 7 and 9pm and wake up between 6:30 and 8am. Without adequate sleep children’s hormones may be affected resulting in growth problems—mainly slow or stunted growth. A lack of sleep at night can also affect motor skills and concentration during the day (think about how hard it is to drive when you haven’t had enough sleep) which can lead to more accidents and behavioral problems.

Signs that your child is not getting enough sleep include crankiness, always falling asleep in the car and being hard to wake up in the mornings. Opposite of what you might expect, if your child is hyper at bedtime it may be another clue that his schedule may not be consistent enough.

How to get your child to go to sleep and stay asleep

The Ferber Method

The Ferber Method is a method for teaching babies to soothe themselves to sleep that was developed by Pediatrician Richard Ferber, the director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital in Boston. Dr. Ferber’s strategy for putting children to sleep follows these steps:

• follow a warm, loving bedtime routine (more information on routines below)

• put your child in bed awake—this step is crucial to successfully teaching him or her to go to sleep on their own

• leave the child in bed even if he cries

• go in periodically to pat and comfort your child, but do not pick up your child

• gradually increase the amount of time between checking on and comforting your child over the course of a few days to a week

By gradually increasing the waiting time, most babies and children learn to fall asleep on their own, having discovered that crying earns nothing more than a brief check from you. If your child is already sleeping in a big-kid bed instead of a crib, and you are having a hard time keeping him in bed, he may be repeatedly getting out of his bed just because he can. When your child gets up, control your reaction. Simply take him back to bed, gently but firmly tell him that it is time to go to sleep, and leave. Each time that your child gets out of bed repeat these steps, always being calm and firm. Consistency is key, and eventually your child will stay in bed and will go to sleep.

Establish a bedtime routine

Routines are crucial to life with young children. They help to relieve children’s anxieties about transitions and what is coming next. At bedtime, making sure that your child is as relaxed as possible makes him more likely to go to bed easily and to fall asleep quickly and allows you special quality time with your child. A bedtime routine can start anywhere in the house and include any number of steps and activities but its important to be consistent each night and to always end in the bedroom. Ending in the bedroom helps teach your child that his room is a nice place to be, not just where he is “banished” at bedtime. Here are some suggestions for activities to consider making part of your bedtime routine:

• let off some steam: helps children get pent-up energy out of their systems before they settle down for the night. You can dance around to a favorite song then follow it by something quiet and calm like a bath (if this is relaxing for your child) and a bedtime story

• taking care of business: your routine can include washing her face/hands, brushing her teeth, using the bathroom/getting a diaper change, and getting into her pajamas. Its important to establish habits like brushing teeth early so that your child gets used to it.

• hide and seek: hide something in your child’s crib/bed for her to find before you lay her down (a toy, a postcard, an interesting object) and then talk to her about it before you leave the room. This gives her something to look forward to about getting in bed and provides a wonderful opportunity to build vocabulary and language skills.

• have a chat: spend some time snuggling in a rocking chair or put your child in bed and then sit with them and talk about the day and review what he or she did. Then talk about what the child will do the next day.

• say “goodnight moon”: walk with your child around the house and say goodnight to favorite toys, people, and other objects, like the baby rabbit and his mother do in Goodnight Moon

• read a bedtime story/sing a song: studies have shown that language skills and even intelligence can depend on a baby’s daily exposure to a large vocabulary so read, sing, and talk to them often! These strategies also allow you to spend quality time with your child.

Key points

• getting enough sleep is important to your child’s development and your mental health!

• toddlers and preschoolers should be getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep each day

• establish consistent daily sleep times and stick to them

• have a regular bedtime routine

• make sure your child’s room is conducive to sleep—it should be dark and quiet

• avoid roughhousing and other stimulating activities before bedtime

• stick to the same timetable and routines for bed on weekends and vacations

Resources

The Baby Center–Visit this site for more information on sleep tips and strategies for children of all ages

Staying in Bed Technique–Visit the Super Nanny site for step-by-step instructions on how to help your child stay in bed

Visit the FORUM to share your own suggestions on how to get children to bed and to help them get enough sleep!

Parenting is a hard job! But it can be especially hard when you and your child don’t react to the world in the same way. A child’s temperament, or style of behavior, is present and established within the first few months of life and remains largely unchanged throughout life. Nine temperamental traits have been identified and many combinations are possible. A child can be rated from high to low in each category, but all ratings represent differences in the normal range of behavior.

Temperament Traits

1. Activity Level–Is your child always moving and doing something? OR Does he or she have a more relaxed style?
2. Regularity–Is your child regular in his or her eating and sleeping habits? OR Is he or she somewhat haphazard?
3. Approach/Withdrawal–Does your child welcome new experiences and change? OR Does he or she tend to shy away from new people and things?
4. Adaptability–Can your child adjust to changes in routines or plans easily? OR Does your child resist transitions?
5. Sensitivity–Is your child bothered by external stimuli such as loud noises or bright lights? OR Does he or she tend to ignore them?
6. Mood–Does your child often express a negative outlook? OR Is he or she generally a positive person? Does his or her mood shift frequently? OR Is he or she usually even-tempered?
7. Persistence/Attention Span–Does your child give up as soon as a task becomes challenging? OR Does he or she keep trying? Can your child stick with an activity for a long time? OR Does his or her mind tend to wander?
8. Distractability–Is your child easily distracted from what he or she is doing? OR Can he or she shut out external distractions and focus on the current activity?
9. Intensity–Does your child react strongly (either positively or negatively) to situations? OR Does he or she react calmly and quietly?

Temperament Types

These nine traits combine to form three basic types of temperaments. Approximately 65% of all children fit into one of three patterns.

1. Easy or Flexible (40% of children)– These children are generally calm, happy, regular in sleeping and eating habits, and are not easily upset. Because of their easy style, parents need to set aside special times to talk about the child’s frustrations and hurts because he or she wont demand or ask for it. More intentional communication will be necessary to strengthen your relationship and find out what your child is thinking and feeling.
2. Difficult, Active, or Feisty (10% of children)– These children are often fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits, fearful of new people and situations, easily upset by noise and commotion, high strung, and intense in their reactions. Providing areas for vigorous play to work off stored up energy and frustrations with some freedom of choice allow these children to be successful. Preparing these children for activity changes and using redirection will help these children transition from one place or one activity to another.
3. Slow to warm up or Cautious (15% of children)– These children are relatively inactive and fussy, tend to withdraw or react negatively to new situations, but their reactions gradually become more positive with continuous exposure. Sticking to a routine and your word, along with allowing ample time to establish relationships in new situations, are necessary to allow independence to unfold.

The other 35% of children are a combination of these three patterns. By understanding these patterns, you can tailor your expectations, encouragement, and discipline to suit your child’s unique needs.

Temperament and Parenting

No matter what temperament a child has, he or she can develop normally with help from you and other adults in his or her life. Your child’s abilities to develop and behave in acceptable ways are greatly determined by the adults in their lives trying to identify, recognize, and respond to his or her unique temperament.

However, temperaments are different and its completely possible that your own temperament will not match or will not fit with your child’s. One is not superior to another. As the parent, you can discover and pinpoint the strengths and challenges each of you face and the areas in which conflicts with your child arise due to temperament clashing. Understanding your temperament and your child’s temperament allows you the first move to adapt and allows you to organize the environment so that you can work together as a parent-child team.

Here are some things to consider:

• Be aware of your child’s temperament and respect his or her uniqueness without comparing him or her to others or trying to change your child’s basic temperament.
• Be aware of your own temperament and adjust your natural responses when they clash with your child’s responses.
• Avoid criticizing or labeling your child with words such as “crybaby,” “lazy,” “quitter,” “shy,” or “wild.”
• Communicate. Explain decisions and motives. Listen to the child’s point of view and describe what you are observing to the child to help him or her learn about their behavioral style.
• Set limits to help your child develop self-control. Respect opinions but remain firm on important limits.
• Be a good role model because children learn by imitation.

Resources

For more information on temperament visit these sites:

Temperament Type Quiz

Parenting Styles/Children’s Temperaments: The Match

Visit the Forum to share your thoughts on how temperament affects you and your child’s interactions and vote in the temperament poll!